Finally, finally I am standing on the threshold of ordination. The pathway has been exceedingly long and difficult. I am exhausted. I have learned by many failures and humiliations that there is nothing I can do by myself. It is now four years since God called me and I answered, "Yes, Lord." I have prayed to give up my own will and learn to obey God's will for me. I thought I would be annihilated. I was terrified, and had to beg the Holy Spirit to help me even want to give up my self-will. Over time, my prayer was answered. With a huge leap into the arms of Jesus I trusted I would be caught and held and kept safe. And so I was. And so I am.
"Now the green grass riseth from the buried grain,
Wheat that in dark earth many days has lain;
Love lives again, that with the dead has been;
Love is come again, Like wheat that springeth green."
(French M.S., in The Oxford Book of Carols)
I am coming to life again, growing up new through the matted and dead grass of my previous life. I am more myself than ever before.