Whenever you let down after working too hard, it is easy to get a case of the doldrums. I felt every kind of petty, negative feeling you can feel. I am sure you must know the kind of wrong thinking that you don't want to admit to anyone because it makes you look so unpleasant, bitter, small-minded, and mean. I felt jealous, envious of people who have more time and money than I do, and certain that my friends didn't really like me, but were just being nice to me so they wouldn't hurt my feelings. There are people who have done awful things to me and are continuing to do them, and I was feeling painfully aware of my inability to forgive, which was because I didn't really WANT to because I was afraid of what might happen if I did: forgiveness is an invitation back into your life of someone you have been keeping at a distance in order to protect yourself. I knew God wanted me to forgive, as he forgives me, but I really couldn't do it because I didn't want to get hurt any more.
So I prayed about it and went to bed feeling awful and bad and envious and unforgiving. A year ago Christmas I prayed about the problem of not wanting to give my self-will over to God, and he gave me the finale from Gounod's Faust to learn. I had to sing it over and over for a week until I could spit out all those fast little words in French. I'm not so good in the high register either, so I had to shriek them out at the top of my lungs: Dieu juste, a toi je m'abandonne! Dieu bon je suis a toi, pardonne! Well, THIS Christmas I received another answer in music. This year it was "Be-ho-old your King!" from O Holy Night, with full orchestra. It was absolutely wonderful! I looked up the words, sang the song, and realized that I had never really thought about praying to Christ as the King. I must tell you it is a very satisfactory and invigorating thing to do! The euphoria listed through Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.
Clara Martin and I decorated the church for Christmas: Roses on the altar, ivy and pine boughs and (battery-powered) "candles" everywhere in the style of an old-fashioned country church. I have to say it was beautiful. I got to sing "O Holy Night" on Christmas Eve at Grace Church in Anthony. Mother Mary Hixson asked me for it, saying it is her favorite carol. When the Holy Spirit gets to work, things fall into place in amazing ways.
There are twelve days of Christmas, fortunately for me, so I had time to get the packages sent to my children and grandchildren. On the other hand, this also gave me plenty of time to let the idea of Christ my King percolate. It occurred to me that if Christ is my King and he tells me to forgive someone, there is no wiggle room. If he really is my King, I have to do what he tells me to do. Period. Great. If you are praying the daily offices, you end up saying the Lord's Prayer several times a day, so the pressure to forgive others as he forgives us never lets up. I decided it didn't mean that we are only forgiven if we forgive others; it means that we are to learn to follow his example and forgive others as he does us. And furthermore, I am sure he would help me do it if he's telling me to do something that's too hard for me to do by myself. "I will, with God's help" is one of the most helpful phrases in the whole Book of Common Prayer.
I am impressed that you've made so much progress on the forgiveness issue. I hear you saying that it gives those you forgive much less power over you, esp power to hurt you or control your emotions. My greatest challenge in forgiveness was Stacy's ex and the other woman involved. I think it took me a yr and a half to really forgive them, though I prayed for them (without really meaning it) from the beginning. After my initial extreme anger (when the scripture running through my mind was "Vengence is mine, I will repay"--and I was counting on him to do it), I really did not want them to lose their souls but I still thought of them as the scum of the earth. I couldn't see then how God would bless Stacy with so much more later, nor was I willing to think about how precious the ones I had so much trouble forgiving were to God. I have been and will continue to pray that your forgiveness of those I have seen hurt you repeatedly will progress on a faster time line.
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